"In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected, it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order."

And just how fucked up is that.

We, by nature, expect. To be succesful, to be loved, to be happy, to be free, and to a million other things. And boy does it hurt when it becomes dissapointment. When we expect to matter, when we expect people to care, to reach out. And yet, nothing.

When we expect to be someone, to be useful, to work well, to work. And again, nothing. We wonder through meaningless jobs that put us down just long enough for us to get to that one job that actually doesn’t feel like a job. If it ever happens.

We expect romance, to be swept from our feet, to be loved, to be appreciated. And yet, nothing.

All my life i thought when i grew up i would have a big group of friends that i could just call if anything and they’d be there, that loved me so much that someday they’d throw me a surprise party. That stood for me on the phone for hours. That every weekend would be a good excuse to get together. The greatest of all: that i would have friends that one night i could stay all night up just talking to. And i’d see the sunrise with them. That’s how cheesy i am. On a work level, that i would work somewhere (never knew where) that made me happy, and i would fall to the typical 9 to 5 routine and i would love it. That i’d have a desk, a tough boss and grueling work schedule but i woule love it. That i’d fall for a romantic guy that just wants me. Not fancy dressed, not pretending to like something, but me. That knows me, that i know him. That we care.

I find myself now with none of my expectations and now, that i’m without a job, i find myself constantly thinking about this.

Don’t get me wrong, i love my friends. But i can’t remember the last actual conversation i had with them. We might get together and i leave not knowing anything about their lives. And same goes for them about me. One particular friend i think doesn’t even know i was fired. And for the rest, it’s easy to be there when something happens, but not after. Everyone’s got school and other friends, but i just wish for one second they could remember there are other things. I don’t mind them having other friends, i just mind how everything seems more important to them in comparison and that happens because they don’t know anything about what the other person is going through. Nobody knows how much of a failure i feel. They don’t know i go to sleep at 4am everyday so that i’m too sleepy to lay in bed and think. Because thinking breaks me. I’m a 23 year old virgin with no job and a particular set of friends. It embarasses me to say so.

I think i’m an open yet introverted person. It’s incredibly hard to put me in new places, new situations and new people, and that makes it super difficult to change my love or friends situation.

I recently met a guy and we clicked almost instantly. He talked to me every day even just when he saw me online and we just talked in a really flirty way. We even planned a date. Without going too much into it, he stopped talking to me because apparently i talked to much and something changed. From one day to another, that ended. I went from being super nervous and yet excited about a date with him to actual NOTHING. And there again my expectations fucked me over.

I don’t have a job. I have a set group of friends. I’m not studying. It’s incredibly difficult for me to know new people and that terrifies me. Everyone’s moving on but me. I’m stuck and i don’t know what to do.

I have a job interview on monday on yet another retail job. I don’t even think i want it. I’ve been working weekends and holidays since i was 19 and i just want the normal ‘monday through friday’ work. 

I don’t even know what”s the point in writing this. No one will actually read it, Once again, no one will even care. It won’t even matter.

Tomorrow will be another day.

Andrew Garfield for BandOfOusiders Fall 2014 (x)

(…) It wasn’t until i covered the counters in coordinating candy sprinkles that i stopped to acknowledge: my butt will deflate more and more, my hands will shrivel and permanently prune, but i will never, ever grow up. It took a swarm of bees to remind me that a b-day is nothing but a number. Each day i choose my age. Today it’s 27, going on 2. How old will you bee today?”


august 12, 2014

new york city was extra cloudy and picturesque today

"James Coughlin. Father was killed in prison. Mother died of HIV. Shot Brendan Leahey by the cemetery behind Mishawum when he was 18. Pled it out. When the judge asked him why he did it, he said, ‘I didn’t like the kid.’ Served nine years for manslaughter."

Judge me on the work, that’s all I can say.

i’m sorry i do not think beyonce is a feminist. including lines like “eat the cake, anna mae” in a song about fucking her husband and “but it’s all for you just walk my way” in a song about how fucking queen she is is not fucking feminist.

oh and “take all of me, i just wanna be that girl you like” in a song about car sex? are you fucking kidding me?!

fuck no she’s not a feminist. her songs are catchy as fuck, but she’s not a feminist.